


Necessary Mistakes

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-05
Updated: 2009-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 01:39:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the biggest of mistakes turn into the best of choices one could possibly make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Necessary Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: kawaiikyo  
> Comments: I don't know... the plot just wouldn't leave me alone, so I went after it, needing to get it out.  
> Songs[s]:「剥離」 and DIM SCENE by the GazettE

Die's POV

Some small part of me still knew that what I was doing was, in a way, wrong. But another piece just didn't care. The tour had been hard on us all so far. Everything that could go wrong had. Speakers blew out at the first two concerts and my entire electrical system screwed the pooch three days ago. Kyo's voice was slowly giving out, his own medical issues catching up with him. Toshiya managed to hit himself in the head with his microphone stand, Shinya's symbol split right down the middle, and the neck on one of Kaoru's favorite guitars had broken. In a way, it seemed like something was out to get us all. So far it was luck alone that kept us all in one cohesive unit, kept us up on that stage night after night no matter what happened in the process.

The only blessing was that the fans themselves didn't seem to mind all the difficulties. In a way, I had a feeling that even if we could only walk out on stage and sit there and speak with them, they would still be happy. Of course that was only a portion of our fanbase, the other part would eat us alive for things totally beyond our control. But then, that was just a part of being as famous as we'd become and we all accepted it in much the same manner we accepted that our privacy would always be invaded.

In any case, it was well past time for me to find some alone time, despite the fact that I was currently sharing a room with Kyo. Each of us had been initially assigned a room but the one Kyo was given had managed to spring a leak the first time he flushed the toilet. Apparently I was the only one of us nice enough to immediately offer my room up as the next best place for him to stay. It didn't really bother me, as well it shouldn't have. At one point in our lives, we had all shared rooms each and every night. It had been cost-effective back then. Now we had our own for privacy and the fact that ninety percent of the time we were stuck in a bus with everyone anyway. By the end of a month, most everyone developed a distinct hatred for at least one thing each other person tended to do. It was just the way any group of people stuck in one place too long tended to work.

But me... I just put up with it. After all, it was only a month and then I'd have some time to myself to create another song, piece together another portion of something worthy of being produced at some point. So, for now, I didn't mind it. The only problem for me was the fact that I simply wasn't getting any action. I've always been an affectionate person, someone who desperately needs someone else to show me how much they care about me with even the simplest of touches.

My mood was slowly taking a downward spiral for the worst, my depression almost matching that of Kyo's. That seemed, in my opinion, to be an indication of what needed to change in my life. See, the second problem was that I couldn't find any personal time, not even enough time alone to satisfy my urges with the use of my own hand. Finally, blessedly, we stopped and I had a chance to let everything out. And then Kyo's room decided to go 'splody and honestly, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, I couldn't get past the fact that I had been working myself up for a little hand-meets-cock action all day.

So when he slipped off to the shower, the very first thing I thought to do was create some of that personal time with myself. Shedding my jeans and stripping my shirt from my torso, I left myself in only my boxer briefs before I crawled onto the bed and laid back. Closing my eyes, I didn't even bother with a mental picture of any kind, I just allowed my hands to start wandering over my body. One hand found my nipple, tugging at it and then scratching over the hardened nub.

The smallest of moans escaped my throat as a shudder ripped through my body. Everything about the moment screamed excitement to me. There was a chance of being caught, the very real chance, in fact. Biting my lip, my hand snuck into my underwear, grasping my already hardened length and starting to tug on it.

It took me a few minutes, but I started to get enough into it that I gave up on trying to keep some amount of decency and simply yanked the elastic of my underwear down beneath my balls. Trembling, my hand started to work over my aching flesh once more. My head fell back, eyes slipping closed at the feeling of my own fingers as they found all the right spots. If there's one thing about pleasing yourself, it's that you know what you want and how you want it. Though, admittedly, there's something so much better about someone else exploring your body in order to find those spots for themselves.

I let out a choked half-groan, my hips jerking up into my hand as I moved faster over my length, my body desperate for release. Normally I'd take my time, draw it out until the slightest touch set me off, forcing the cum from my body at the moment I least expected it to. But I couldn't expect to spend an hour teasing myself when I had a roommate to worry about. Instead, I aimed for fast and satisfying enough rather than long and satisfying to the boneless point.

A low voice right next to my ear brought me to an abrupt halt, my entire body going rigid in shock. "You're beautiful like this, you know... but then, you always are." I swallowed roughly, trying hard to deal with what my mind was supplying to me, trying to reason with it and tell myself I must be inventing the sound of Kyo's voice right next to my ear. Cautiously, I opened my eyes and looked to the side. There was no imagining his still damp body, the towel around his waist slipping lower and lower by the second, held up only by a loose knot that was coming undone.

My first instinct was humiliation at having been caught. But before I could even move, his hand came to rest on my stomach, sliding upwards and then slowly back down. The look in his eyes was plainly sexual, predatory almost and the smirk that danced over his lips was nothing short of erotic. Of course, it being Kyo he didn't need to try so hard to be whatever he was trying to put off at the moment. If he wanted to be a dick, then he was a dick. If he wanted to have everyone in the palm of his hand, listening, then he'd accomplish it without a moment's notice otherwise. And now he turned his full charm on me, his eyes bright with a want that I completely understood.

When his hand closed over mine, pulling it from my cock, I let him manipulate me. And a moment later when his soft fingers replaced my own callused ones, I couldn't even think anymore. Fire shot through me as if he were determined to burn me alive from the inside out. A shudder followed close behind, the moan I'd been holding back since before he even came out spilling from my lips like liquor from an overturned bottle.

Seeming pleased with himself, he moved fully onto the bed, his fingers grasping my boxers and shoving them down my legs. The towel that had been threatening to come off the entire time slid to the floor, followed closely by my own undergarment. I should have told him no, should have stopped him there, but I couldn't. Desperation clouded my judgment, pushing me toward what was currently happening and I stumbled forward into it without looking back.

It didn't take much for him to manipulate me. I was putty in his capable hands, bendable to his will and obliging to anything he wanted. When he told me to turn over, I did it without hesitation. And when he moved me, lifting my hips and stroking his hand across my abdomen, fingers rough yet gentle at the same time, I only moaned in response. When he moved away from the bed, I cried out in frustration, only to have his chuckle meet my ears.

Moments later, the bed dipped once again as he crawled up behind me, his hands slipping over the globes of my ass, teasing and squeezing. A moment later, he delivered a sharp, stinging slap to one cheek and I cried out in a way I couldn't remember having done so before. My cock jerked at the sensation, evidentially just as pleased with it as my mind was. His body moved closer to me, one hand sneaking into the valley between my asscheeks. Cool lubed fingers teased at my rosebud, taunting me with what he could and would give me.

My face pressed against the sheets, dampness from my mouth wetting the white cotton as I was unable to focus on so much as swallowing properly. All I could do was push back against his fingers, begging without words for him to take me, to give me what he was pushing toward in the first place. By the time he slipped the first finger into me, I was trembling with need, my nerves on fire with the intensity of my lust.

His tongue traced a path up my spine, starting just at the dip of the small of my back and working its way up, almost serpentine in the way he worked it. A second finger joined the first, slowly pumping in and out of my body, teasing rather than giving me what he knew I wanted. There was something so very Kyo about the entire thing and it left me aching for more.

When I finally relaxed enough for his tastes, he pulled his fingers free and shifted behind me. A moment later the warmth of his cock pressed against my opening, resting there, thick and heavy. I could feel the way he flexed it ever so slightly, taunting my body with the very presence of it. Impatient, I shoved back toward him, whimpering into the bed sheets.

It was then that he entered me, pushing completely inside with one quick movement. His groan echoed in my ears, making me shiver as he filled me. The feeling of his body so deep inside mine was nothing short of amazing. It was everything I had needed for so very long. Knowledge that someone wanted me filled my mind, flooding warmth through every single part of my body with an aching relief. I felt almost boneless with the fact as his fingers curled against my hips, holding me in place as he began to move. His hips were slow at first, as if he wanted to savor the feeling of his cock taking my ass.

My back arched and I spread my thighs even more, tilting my body into a better position for both of us. His cock slid almost all the way out and then shoved back in all the way up to his balls. This time, almost blinding pleasure came with the movement, making me push back toward him with a cry that basically begged for more of the same. Kyo obviously wasn't one to deny because he started going after me with the ferocity I had always expected him to possess.

The force was almost bruising, but it was exactly what I wanted, what I needed. My cock strained beneath me, the tip rubbing against the bed with each and every thrust he made into my body. My thighs spread more, taking me closer to the bed and providing me more contact. Almost as if he knew what I was doing, Kyo tightened his grip on my hips, pulling me back up and then one hand slipped from my hip, coming around and grasping my cock. His fingers teased me, played with the most sensitive spots, and then dipped down to fondle my balls. All the while, he kept up his thrusts, his pace never faltering.

My body began to shudder, the pleasure so much that I couldn't control anything I was doing anymore. My fingers clutched at the sheets as if they were a lifeline to my very existence and then without warning, I lost it all. My cock twitched in his hand as I sprayed my cum out across the sheets beneath me. I could feel myself clenching around his cock, my hole tightening and then releasing as if I were trying to suck him deeper into my body. Moments later he cried out, a sound I'd once heard him make on stage, though now it was much more beautiful to my ears as he filled me with the warmth of his cum.

Before he could possibly collapse on me, he pulled out and shifted to the side, lying across part of the bed, panting as he stared over at me. I just simply collapsed right in my spot, uncaring that I was lying in a puddle of my own cum. Slowly our breathing evened out and he reached for me, brushing some of my bangs from my face before trailing his fingers over my cheekbone. The smile he gave me was beautiful, breathtaking in fact.

And immediately, I felt the sting of the wrongs I had just done. My entire being ached, throbbed with the knowledge that I had just done what I had hated my own past lover's for doing to me. My eyes stung with the tears I knew I was going to shed at any moment.

"What's wrong?" His voice was gentle, caring to a point I wasn't used to hearing in someone's voice and it broke me to pieces.

"You'll hate me for it...." My voice shook with the intensity of the admission, my insides feeling like I was going to vomit. For all the pleasure I had gained from before, I now felt an equal amount of disgust with myself for my very own actions.

"I can't hate you... tell me." The honesty in his words hurt unbelievably much.

I shifted, pressing my cheek to the pillow and bracing myself for what I just knew was going to come. He'd be angry... he'd have to be. My voice shook when I finally spoke up. "I... I'm dating Kaoru." My eyes slipped shut, my body shrinking in on itself as I tried to curl away from the wrath I was certain would follow my statement.

He was quiet for a long time. When he finally spoke up again, I could hear the control he was putting forth in order to not be angry. "So why did you let me do what I did?"

The thought spiraled through my head, images of the past two years of my relationship with Kaoru and everything about it that drove me to the desperation I had been feeling earlier. Swallowing hard, I started talking, trying to explain. "I know it's not an excuse, that I was in the wrong to let you take me like that... but please, try to understand. He doesn't touch me, doesn't even let me touch him." I paused, letting out a soft pained sound as the tears I knew I had no right to shed began to crawl down my cheeks. "We've been together for two years and in all that time, he hasn't even let me hold his hand. He gets angry with me if I put my hands on him in any way, even just a touch on his shoulder or something anyone else would do." I trail off, unable to keep talking, my throat closing up on me with the tears.

The look on Kyo's face is perplexed, his eyebrows drawn together, forehead knitted in confusion. "Then why stay with him? Are you in love?"

I just shake my head, my fingers gripping the pillow harshly as I try to reason out what had previously been my justification. "He's... my safety zone, I guess. Every time I would leave to go on tour, whoever I was with would break up with me, saying they didn't trust me to not sleep with the fans or that they couldn't stand being without me for so long. So when Kaoru asked me out, I just told him yes." The tears started to come a little less rapidly, drying up to a certain extent and the pressure in my chest easing ever so slightly. "I know I was wrong to do this... to sleep with you while I'm dating Kaoru. It makes me no better than everyone who ever cheated on me while I was gone."

The way he looked at me was nothing short of heart-breaking. The air virtually crawled with the emotions he was letting off. "I don't like it... that he won't even let you touch him. That's ridiculous. It's like he's somehow using you, but I'm not even sure for what. He can't be after your money... we all get the same amount. What does he tell you his reasons are for not letting you touch him at all?"

I shrug just the smallest amount. "That he's just not ready."

"What? That's a copout answer." He sighs, the sound thick with annoyance. "Two years and he won't even so much as give you the occasional kiss or jerk off. That's total shit. You're not a saint and we all know how much you thrive off of touch. Hell, you used to piss me off by constantly insisting on hugging me when you'd see me. We all got used to it... except him, apparently." Sitting up, he grabbed my phone and tossed it on the bed next to me. "Call him. Ask him why again and make him give you a real answer this time."

My fingers hesitate over all the numbers, but eventually I manage to dial the correct ones and press Send.

When he answers, his voice sounds annoyed with me for calling. "What do you want?"

"I just... I have a question for you." I can already hear the way my voice is shaking, the utter fear in it. "Why don't you ever let me touch you?"

"What?" He groans and I can hear him rustling around. "Because, Die, like I've explained before. I'm just not ready for anything yet."

My eyes move to Kyo, pleadingly, asking for help in what to say. He just gives me a hard look, as if telling me to get on with it. Trembling, I can't stand it anymore and I just blurt out the truth. "I couldn't take it anymore, Kaoru. You treat me like I've got the plague and I'll pass it to you if I even hold your hand. I need love. I need attention and affection... and you refuse to give me anything physical at all. I'm not a Saint and you can't expect me to be. I need someone... I always have."

The way he damn near growls into the phone tells me that I've committed a wrong that cannot be undone, that cannot be forgiven in his book. "Why you little slut. Just because you couldn't wait on me, you go out and fuck around with some little whore?!"

I actually cringe, my entire body flattening back against the wall, my knuckles turning white I'm gripping the sheets so hard. He keeps yelling, more and more hateful things pouring from his mouth into my ear. Finally, I can't take it anymore and I damn near sob into the phone, my own voice raised. "Tell me! Tell me why you wouldn't fucking touch me!" Because no matter what I've ruined, I know that I'll never be able to let go of that fact unless I find out the honest reason why.

He calms down, going silent for long enough that I almost believe he's hung up the phone on me. Just as I'm about to check, he speaks up again. "My wife would kill me if I sullied myself with you."

The words stab me in the heart, leaving me in complete and total shock. Married? All this time Kaoru's been married and I'm the one on the side... I'm the one.... Before I can even think of anything to say, Kyo's ripped the phone from my hands and he's yelling into it. "You fucking asshole! Motherfucking hypocrite! You dare to yell at him for what he's done and all this time you've led him on, letting him believe that one day you'd give him something that you never intended to give!" With a rough growl, Kyo jammed his finger against the power button, holding it until the phone turned off and then he stood up, his eyes burning with a fire I'd never seen in them before. He yanked on his underwear and then his jeans and a white t-shirt before grabbing his room key and then heading for the door. "Stay here." A moment later the door clicked shut behind him.

The minutes ticked by, seeming slower than they ever had in the past. I got up and roamed the room, finding my boxers and tugging them back on before going to the bathroom and washing my hands and face. After blowing my nose, I went back to the bed, sitting down and staring at my phone. Still, even after knowing what Kaoru had been pulling all this time, I felt like it was my fault, like I was the one in the wrong. Guilt lay heavily on my shoulders and I did the only thing I could think to do.

Turning my phone back on, I dialed my mother's number and waited, thankful for the time difference. She answered, concern thick in her voice. "Daisuke?"

"Mama..." anything else I wanted to say got stuck in my throat and I just let out a horrible sounding sob instead.

"Oh, sweetie, what's wrong? Mama's here." As it always had, the sound of her voice soothed me, made me feel safer in my own thoughts and more like I should have felt all along.

"I need to know what you think, Mama. I need to know if you think what I did was wrong." I paused just long enough to hear her tell me okay and then plunged into my story, telling her of how I slept with Kyo because I was so desperate for someone to love me, to really care about me. I told her of how I admitted everything and what Kaoru had told me and then that Kyo hung up on him and left the room. By the time I was done, I was still crying, still in need of her to tell me what she thought about what I had done.

"Baby, listen to me." Her voice was built to be placating, yet strong enough to make me listen. "Kaoru is an asshole and everything he has done is despicable and utterly uncalled for. He had no right to lead you on and no right to be mad with you for seeking comfort in another man's arms." She pauses long enough to let everything sink in and then continues. "What you did was understandable. Maybe not right, but understandable. You were offered what you couldn't get from him and didn't refuse. Ultimately, you found out Kaoru's truth by doing what you did."

I nod, knowing she can't see it, but also knowing she'll probably know exactly what I'm doing anyway.

"Now, sweetie, listen to me very carefully. Kyo doesn't deserve to be hurt in the middle of all of this. He had no way of knowing and I suspect that his leaving the room has something to do with him finding Kaoru and defending your honor by beating the snot out of him." She'd met Kyo in the past and it didn't really come as a surprise that he had left a large impression on her, just like he tended to do with everyone else he came into contact with. "He'd be mad if he knew I told you this, but you, Daisuke, need to open your eyes and see what has always been right in front of you. That spitfire of a vocalist you all have has always been interested in you... always. The way he looks at you when you're not looking makes it perfectly clear. And what you say happened between the two of you only makes it that much more obvious. So I want you to remember that when you take whatever action you will beyond this. Understand?"

The amount of shock I felt was incredible. Kyo was interested in me? Mother had met him years ago and she had seen it even then? The pieces fit, but the puzzle hadn't even existed until just now. "Yes, Mama... I understand." My words were quiet, soft in a manner she probably knew meant I was contemplating her words very carefully.

"I love you, my son. Now go do the right thing to make up for the wrong ones, okay?"

"Love you, too, Mama. And I will."

"You'd better. Don't think your Mama won't tan your hide next time she sees you if you don't." She didn't even wait on an answer, just hung up the phone, leaving me staring down at it blankly for the longest time.

Time passed slowly, as if each minute were actually three or four. Five minutes turned to ten and then twenty before the sound of a keycard in the door pulled me from my stupor, getting me to my feet. Standing, I waited, not knowing who would be coming back to the room and praying it would be Kyo.

His familiar blonde poof of hair poked inside and then the rest of him followed, the door shutting behind him. He locked the door, even using he master lock and then turned around, looking up at me. My breath caught in my throat as I took him in. Blood dribbled down his chin from his split lip. The front of his shirt was soaked in a few places with blood and I couldn't even begin to tell if all of it was his own, though I suspected from the look in his eyes that it wasn't.

My feet carried me to him, my hand reaching out, touching his shoulder and urging him with me into the small bathroom area. I began wetting one of the white hotel hand towels while he crawled up to sit next to the sink, watching me with those deep eyes of his. Wringing out the towel, I reached for him, wiping off his chin and then moving to his lip, pressing the towel against it, trying to get the flow of blood to stop.

Eventually he took the towel from me, moving my hand away and then pulling off his shirt. As I'd suspected the rest of the blood must not have been his own. I found my eyes lingering over his body for longer than they should have before I looked away, embarrassed by that fact. "Spoke with my mother... she told me I may have been wrong in what I did, but that it was... understandable."

Kyo nodded slightly, finally moving the towel away from his lip, the bleeding seeming to have stopped. "She's right, you know. Usually is." He shifted a bit on the counter, finally just jumping down and heading for the bedroom. "Did you tell her it was me?"

Following him, I nodded. "Yeah... I did."

He snorted softly and settled onto the bed, his eyes studying me for a long moment before he spoke again. "She told on me, didn't she?" If she hadn't, it would have been an admission in and of itself, one he wouldn't have been able to back out of, but he didn't seem to care if that was the case or not.

Sitting beside him, I nodded. "Told me you've always had feelings for me... is she right?"

"I wouldn't have taken you tonight if not, Die. I don't just fuck random people." The way he stared at me made it obvious that he wasn't joking around. There was an utter seriousness burning in the depths of his eyes that just couldn't be ignored.

I had already known exactly what I was going to say if he admitted to it and the response slipped easily from between my lips, just as easily as the moans had earlier. "If I'd known, I would have done something about it long ago." I paused, wetting my lips almost nervously before continuing. "If... if you're still wiling to have me, I'd like to be with you. I know that what I did was wrong, that I never should have cheated on Kaoru... but I can't help but think everything happens for a reason... and that the reason was two-fold here." It was obvious, that I'd needed to know Kaoru was never intending on being with me in any way because he had a wife at home and to find out that Kyo wanted me and had for a very long time.

The soft smile on his face told me everything I needed to know before he pushed himself back on the bed and held out his arms, motioning me toward him. "Come here." I moved to be with him, lying in his arms, my face tucked against his neck, my body tight at his side. "Just promise me you'll never cheat on me and I'll give you the world, Die."

"I promise." The words were out of my mouth in record time, the promise coming easily because I knew that Kyo would never leave me desperate for any touch I could get. Instead, I knew even on instinct that he'd give me all he had, provide me with everything I could ever need and never hesitate in doing it.

"Then you're mine and I'm yours." My mind wrapped itself around those six words and the relief I felt was immediate, as if everything I had been harboring inside my body all this time simply faded away, leaving room for all that Kyo had to offer me. And for the first time in my life, I knew that as long as I kept up my end of the bargain, I'd never want for anything ever again.

**The End**  



End file.
